Where to begin….
I have always been someone who has experienced depression…I also suffer from the “O” in OCD…I am very obsessive, but not very compulsive, and that’s probably because I also have ADHD (that’s Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder)…actually, I have HDADD (that’s High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder!!) so at least it’s all very spectacular! And thank you, Steven Wright!
I think all of those things all work together to make me reeeeaaaalllly good at what I do!
But apparently I never had anything more than a mild case of “the blues” …I had never been anything more than just “bummed out” before these last couple years!
I fell into a depression that I could not come out of.
I had never experienced anything like it before. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t concentrate…I was like the dog in that movie “UP” ….”Squirrell!” …it was the weirdest thing. I couldn’t even think about being social or going anywhere, I didn’t want to see anyone…sadness, despair, crying…laughing….laughing and crying at the same time (I like to multi-task!)…it was really all I could do to get up and come to work every day!
And through all of this I knew that I had a good life, that I am blessed with a good wife, and good job, a roof over my head, good family and friends, talent…so how come I feel so crappy?! How dare I be depressed and whine about anything when I have all this going for me?! I felt that I had this wonderful life, but I was not enjoying it...I had lost my joy, and that’s the worst thing ever.
A lot of it (most of it) has to do with the myriad of B.S. happening at work over the last few years…plus, not getting enough sleep, since I have to get up so early it’s often hard to get to sleep early enough to get at least 7 hours. That’s because I’ve always been a night person and having to go to bed early is strange and foreign to me! But then, of course, when you’re depressed, you have trouble sleeping…and when you don’t sleep you get depressed…then psychotic!
So, you take all that and add the stuff from back in paragraph one and, woo boy, you got yourself some genuine, bonafide, severe, debilitating depression!
Finally had to drag myself into the doctor. Like the joke commercials on KPIG “My Doctor Said Medicine”…She said she could give me something to help me sleep that was an anti-depressant; and even though I knew I needed something, I hesitated…anti-depressants…do I really want to go there?! Then I thought about where I had been and I said “Fuck yeah, let’s go….squirrell!”
I started getting better sleep and noticed some improvement in the first month, but not perfect, so she added another anti-depressant to take to work in concert with the first one…and again, I was hesitant …but now, after three months I feel soooo much better. The hyperactive part of my ADHD has actually kicked back in, and it was really unsettling at first…I didn’t know what was happening…then I realized, “this is how I have always been…oh yeah, that’s right, I remember this!”
It had been so long since I felt like myself, I forgot how I was!
I really missed me…and so did my wife!
I want y’all to know that I was only hesitant because I really don’t like to take meds of any kind…I don’t even really like holistic, organic, natural meds…I just don’t like taking anything unless it is ab-so-lutely necessary…and with my last bit of rational thought I knew that I needed this… I mean, it was really an answer to prayer. I was having trouble concentrating even to get through a simple prayer, but “help me Lord” was enough…so, here He was helping me, and I’m going, “um, yeah, not what I was hoping for”
…and then I thought of that joke:
About the man in the hurricane and the water is rising, its up to the porch and a guy in a small boat goes by and offers the man a ride, but the man waves him on, saying, “My Lord will save me!”
Well, the waters keep rising, and they are up to the second story, and another boat comes by and offers him a ride, but he waves them on, saying, “My Lord will save me!”
The waters continue to rise, and he scampers up onto the roof, where a helicopter spots him and drops a ladder, but he waves them on, saying “My Lord will save me!”
The waters continue to rise and the man is swept away, drowns and goes to heaven, where he meets God:
“Lord, why didn’t you save me?!”
And God says: “Hey, I sent you two boats and a helicopter…!”
Maybe not what you want, but what you need, to paraphrase the Rolling Stones and the Bible!
I like the sentiment of the gospel song “Lord don’t move that mountain, help me to climb it”
I’m still working my way back out of this pit…I’d say I’m feeling about 60 percent better…some days better, some days worse.
When I think back to where I was a few months ago, I can’t even believe it. It was a nasty, frightening place…I can’t even describe it and I’m not sure I even understand it…or why I let it go so long…what am I, nuts?
Yes, but in the most wonderful way!